Federal Bureau of Weird Affairs

WELCOME
You have been duly inducted into the service of your Nation. For the duration of the present semester, you will be an agent of the super-secret FBWA.

HISTORY
The Federal Bureau of Weird Affairs was established by Presidential Decree in 1966, when President Lyndon Baines Johnson lost one of his famous beagles. His wife, Lady Bird Johnson, became convinced that "Woofy" had been stolen by the devil.

 President Johnson had been JFK's Vice President. When Kennedy was assassinated, Johnson immediately expanded the war in Vietnam...which took up so much of his time that he could no longer take proper care of his beagles.

The Johnson White House had a lot of beagles. 

Johnson had gotten in trouble publicly for picking Woofy up by his ears once on national television. Now, with Woofy's sudden and mysterious disappearance, the strong anti-war movement nationwide, and his wife's insane ranting about the devil, Johnson had to find the missing dog fast,  or run the risk of impeachment.

So President Johnson called me. I was a member of  the White House staff at the time, serving in a janitorial capacity. Johnson made me the official head of the newly formed Federal Bureau of Weird Affairs. He promised his wife that I was an expert in  weirdness, so my Agency would definitely know how to deal with the devil, or with ghosts, aliens, time travellers, dog-nappers, or any other occult evil that might be lurking in America.

Lady Bird Johnson liked that.

Since then, the FBWA has worked tirelessly to keep the entire United States safe from weirdness, evil, mysterious and inexplicable hazards, and anything else that falls under our jurisdiction.
We are glad to have you on board. If you live through your term of service, you will receive three hours college credit, disguised as "Comp Two" on your transcripts. If you are killed in the line of duty, you will receive honorable mention at the annual FBWA staff Christmas party.

WARNING
It is important to remember that everything you learn or do during your time with the FBWA is Top Secret. No one, not even your mother, can know of the FBWA's existence.

YOUR JOB
As temporary agents of a super-secret Federal Agency, your tasks will consist of doing the stuff Agent Steed does not want to do himself. We are frequently assigned to do Assessment Reports for Congressional subcommittees, investigate UFO reports, conduct opinion surveys, track the activities of international crime rings, and occasionally we get field work such as cleaning-up evidence of cattle mutilations by aliens. You may also have to make travel arrangements, plan missions or do logistics studies for clandestine insurgencies. If you have any questions, talk to Agent Steed. He is our man in Little Rock.
You will receive your assignments through Steed. Attend class regularly.
 If you fail to show up, you may be listed as suspicious and possibly not from this planet. That is bad. VERY bad.

MORE HISTORY:
Within hours, the FBWA was able to locate LBJ's dog "Woofy" and return it to Lady Bird Johnson. The dog was hiding under the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom. LBJ had a bad habit of picking his beagles up by their ears, and Woofy was sick of it. And so, our glorious tradition of service began. Welcome, Good luck, and watch out: weirdness is everywhere.

You have been issued a Top Secret FBWA membership card. Do not lick or suck on your card: it is coated with an odorless, colorless, vile-tasting poison intended for emergency suicide use only. If you are abducted by aliens, or if you are captured by Hans Gruber's evil Politco Paramilitary organization, you should EAT your FBWA card immediately.

You will, unfortunately, be learning more about Hans Gruber as the semester progresses. Gruber and I are old friends--or I should say, old enemies. His organization--Politco--is closely tied to a sleazy genetic modification company called Econocorn Corporation, with its home office right here in Arkansas. I want you to be aware that as FBWA agents, you will be in constant danger. It is wise to know your enemies....
I do not mean to scare you, but it might be a good idea to write a Last Will and Testament and post it as a page on your website...just in case. The FBWA does tend to lose a few agents every semester.
You should watch the cheerful little WELCOME video below, and then begin work immediately on your first mission, code name Operation Rabbit Hole.

When you write your Last Will and Testament, remember that my name is spelled Steed with two "e"s.
Good luck, and God be with you.  That is all.